I’m going to be bluntly pagan when I say that this is the season of Death, and we are all amidst our own personal funeral. An eight year cycle is ending, and each of us are realizing, experiencing, and coping in our own personal ways. Because of this, there is no easy way for me to generalize a message to you, so I must share my own and hope that it will ignite a flame of your own. I understand that a lot of my friends are not of the same belief system as I am, and my wish is that the language I use does not deter you. Fill in the blanks where you feel you need to, the message will still be the same. It’s not comfortable for me to share this story so publicly, but I have been driven to do so and am taking the leap.
After eight years of walking with the Morrigan, she has offered (and when I say that, I mean shoved) me into the Path of the Phoenix. Last week, as the Equinox approached, I could feel a strong tipping point surging closer and closer, yet I had no idea what it would involve. I could sense that an end was near, and on many physical levels, it was clear. I had already begun the process of letting go of dead habits, old traumas, past relationships and repeating patterns. I was letting go of a years long battle (or initiation as I’m coming to realize now) that the Morrigan had lead me through, pushed me through, and guided me through in her usual steadfast-tough-love-no-bullshit-no-way-out manner.
She met me in my darkest journey and yanked me off the ground, pushing me from behind, saying:
“Get up, girl, and walk.”
As each lesson came and I panicked amongst the pain or fear or triggers, she emerged with her driving fire and banshee vibration, screaming:
“Stand up. Fight. Keeping walking.”
Whenever I felt alone, abandoned, or misunderstood, she flew forward, a wise crow with a stiff wing, whispering:
“Come on, Witch, this is your path, and I am here. Keep walking.”
She never interfered when it wasn’t necessary, even in times I really would have loved her support. But that is her way. She is the goddess to those who are battling the war of change and transmutation. The alchemy of that cannot be burned and bound by someone else. It is through your own trial and triumph that an evolved Self can emerge. I hadn’t even thought of all the correlating elements that surround her to see the end game until two weeks ago (death, rebirth, scorpio season, the phoenix, the veil, transmutation, chaos in terms of alchemy which is the beginning matter before form, baby witch stuff). Can you imagine eight years of walking through the shit, only focusing on strength and survival, not really visualizing what the outcome would produce? It’s not an easy thing to do, not knowing if it will all pay off in the end.
Now, having caught you up on my relationship with her energy, I want to get back on track. While preparing for the fall equinox, I was noticing that it was harder and harder to tap into the Morrigan’s energy, and my new patron was stepping forward instead. I wondered if the dark goddess was feeling offended, as it is told she sometimes can be all consuming with those she chooses to guide, but tried not to take someone else’s word too seriously, especially since my experience with her had been slightly different than the more popular tellings (and remember this is also a symbolic message of self development which I can explain to anyone interested). It was making me feel very restless and uncomfortable energetically, to be pushed and pulled between two goddess sources, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I took to my physical reality and sought to find what was agitating in hopes to understand the internal chaos, but nothing really stuck out.
I talked to my partner about feeling this intense building of fire inside of me, to the point of wishing I could literally explode for relief. Then the symbolic images rushed forward. It was her. SHE was here in the biggest manifestation I had ever felt and there was no way out this time. If you’ve ever experienced the Morrigan, you know what I’m talking about. It’s not exactly superhero power in its feeling. It’s frantic and wild and out of control (again, alchemical chaos, for those seeking). I kept holding onto an image that had come to me of the superhero from X-men. Jean Grey. The Dark Phoenix.
“Jean, just let go,” they say, and a surge of fire or whatever it is comes out of her. I hungered, craved, begged for that type of release as I sat there staring off on my couch feeling trapped. I could feel her (not exactly) asking to take over my body, to merge into me and kind of drive me forward where I was so badly stuck. I relented and into me she dissipated. And lingers still. I hadn’t realized what happened yet.
A few days later, I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, feeling exhausted from “downloads” I didn’t understand, but too restless to knock out. Next to me lay a baby and my man. The chaos was returning. In the peace and quiet I was able to open myself to the spirit realm and there she was ready for my final test. I laugh because she waits until I’m in a spot I cannot fight her, like the brat she is. What was I going to do with frenetic, uncontrollable energy with two sleeping bodies around me? Hang onto it and let it wake them when they both so needed the rest? Or figure out how to harness it as I truly desired? And I thought, well, maybe I can’t literally shoot fire out of my body, but I could probably expel this another way.
In this moment, both my patrons anchored me. Morrigan, to manifest, and Cerridwen to transmute. All I did was act in the moment, and for the first time tried a healing spell. I made a quick rhyme, bound it to the energy I moved into my palm and dispersed it into the ailing parts of my loved one. And it was gone. I was at peace and restored. Still I had not realized what had happened. I was purely in the moment, exploring possiblity.
It wasn’t until this morning that I put it all together and realized I had gone through a phoenix ritual.
It’s not so much that the Morrigan is done with me; more that she has become me and I her. In letting go of the experiences and battles that I have won and ended by her side, by burning them in the farewell flames of transformation, she was cauterizing into my bones, the ashes of our trials coating the frailty of my physical self to become something else; something stronger. I stepped forward, out of the bright burst (much like the one at conception, or the Big Bang….) to the next destination in my life, from gentle maiden, to a force of mother-nature; a true wild woman. Looking back I see exactly how it happened (to drill it in for my tribe):
- Shed my past traumas and patterns. Honored them per my last post. (died)
- Accepted the wildness within me and realized “she” wasn’t something to fear or keep separate. “She” wasn’t going to get me into “trouble” anymore. (transmuted)
- Stepped forward in a more complete and secure self, with a new purpose and new experiences to travel. (reborn)
The veil is thinning this time of year as great soul truths are being revealed to us, and the two strong feminine energies I am shifting between are anchoring me on each end as I transition from old to new.
So this is what I say to you, should you feel like you are embarking on your own transformation:
Now is the time to reassess what your soul needs and desires. This will not be attached to material things. Dig deep into yourself and hear what it is you are truly searching for. Let go of what’s not on that list. You are being ushered into a new phase of yourself and during this season it’s important to take note of that. Look around and ask yourself questions, start gathering (harvest season) the tools (with a Libra Sun these tools are likely going to be relationships of all kinds…) you need to continue your growth. Be prepared for the coming season of the Crone where you go deep within to hone in on your new self and prepare to emerge in the spring. Pass through your veils (where you are not being honest with yourself or condemning yourself for imperfection), die and transmute.
For now it’s okay to focus solely on shedding old paradigms and patterns and ideas, whatever you want to call it, and prepare yourself for the stepping through at the end of October. You can’t deny the great shifts and energies you’re feeling, or else you wouldn’t have read this far. So you might as well just go with it and see what happens. What’s the harm in trying to progress as a human being?
And remember, if you need a little guidance, reach out to me! I have a quick and fast method that may help reveal which direction you need to take. It’d be my greatest pleasure to help those that are aligning with my own path.